Embracing the Messiness — Also, I might have Dissociative Identity Disorder

Endless Rewrite

I don’t have many flaws; I’m beautiful, smart, compassionate, have a massive vocabulary and I can eat a giant bucket of KFC without ever getting sick. People look at me and think: “That girl just has it all. Style, flair, wit and enough sex appeal to make Brad Pitt pick up a phone in the middle of the night and give her a call.” I know this because I can also read people’s mind with surprising accuracy. It’s hard to believe but I really am that amazing.

When you take a minute think about it, you realize how impressive it is that in the face of my own flawless perfection I’ve managed to remain such a humble soul. I’m not a person who writes blogs to tell the entire world how amazing I am, nor do I feel the need to send a dozen tweets into the webosphere every single time I sneeze rainbows and fart roses.

Instead of becoming an intolerable douche bag, I like to think I’ve kept myself grounded, honest and approachable. One of the ways I do that, is by trying to blend in. For instance, sometimes I pretend to make a mistake so everyone else doesn’t feel so intimidated by my greatness. Like this one time when I was six I cut my own hair and let’s just say I could have done a better job at it. And the other day, I pretended to not be able to do maths in my head because I mix up the numbers and they make no sense because who decided 1+1=2 anyway?

Oh, and there was this one time… Never mind, I won’t go into that, because you possibly just had dinner and I don’t want to make you feel sick.

But let’s be honest, for a minute – weren’t you honest already, Janneke. You incredible beacon of humanity, you shining light of perfection, you Goddess of humility and decency?  – First of all, I don’t appreciate your sarcasm. It’s not very becoming on someone who doesn’t really exist and I’m making up as I’m typing this.

What, I meant every single word I said. I’m sure that if you are ever less than perfect, it is only on purpose to make us ‘lesser people’ not feel so insignificant.

Exactly. I’m glad you get me. It’s almost like you are part of me and also read everything I said above.

I did and I am. And I am here to tell you that you have problem and should see a doctor.

Enough about you, let’s talk about me some more.

But if I’m only pretending that I am far from perfect, I am very good at it. I am arrogant, selfish and I don’t think I can actually eat a bucket of KFC without being violently ill. In fact, my own imperfection keeps me up at night. I always feel like I should be better, different, kinder and less guarded. I’m pretty sure there are quite a few indicators in my childhood as to why that is, but that’s not the point right now.

The point it that I constantly have this need to be better. Not so much better than everyone else, because let’s face it, there are few opinions and people I care more about than my own and myself.

No, I feel like I should be better than I am… Which is a fucking pain in my ass. Because I’ll spend forever going over everything I said and did and how I should have said and could’ve done it better. I know this is the same for every person, and it is how we learn. But I have a harder time letting things go. In some cases it will take me years to get over insignificant mistakes. I will feel this dumb shame and doubt in disproportionate amounts long after the fact, which is just silly.

On some levels I guess it makes me actually be a better person and act with some more respect and kindness. Even though I sometimes like to have some peace from myself and my constant feeling I should be better somehow; I don’t think it is always such a bad think to chastise yourself and try to be a better, kinder, more open-minded person.

Except when I’m writing; because all of the sudden the endless analyzing and perfectionism becomes the worst fucking habit to have.

Don’t you think it’s good to be critical and strive for the best, Janneke?

Thanks for interrupting me, you dick. But to answer your question… Sure it is, but it’s just not very helpful to jump right into self-loathing and doubt when you’re just one page in to a story or a script. Things evolve organically after a long process of writing and re-writing, and I sometimes expect things to be perfect right from the start. Which pushes me time and again in the habit to start rewriting when there is barely anything to rewrite. I will start sculpting the fine lines, without ever hewing out the general shape of the thing.

And this is an almost impossible way to work, because without knowing the general shape, how do you know where the fine lines and details actually go? You can’t build a cathedral without first setting up a solid foundation (and everything I do of course has the grandeur and beauty and eternity similar to Cathédrale de Chartres)

So, while you may feel like you are making things better by just jumping in straight away, going back and fixing every single issue, you just end up going in smaller and smaller circles until you run into yourself, screaming and shouting and wondering why you are so incompetent. — Almost as though you are talking to yourself on your own blog? —

Almost like that.

Except here I don’t care. I can do whatever I want. I can talk to myself, I can talk to imaginary readers, I can pretend to be anyone and anything. It doesn’t matter. These blogs help me unwind, that is the only point there is to them. I don’t care too much about them. Here I have nothing to prove, not to myself and not to the world. These posts just exist. I barely rewrite them. I just type, press send and never look back. They are like mindless scribbles and sketches build from words. They are often a mess, either structurally or just poorly worded…and let’s not even start talking about the content… :)

That people enjoy them in spite of that is a giant compliment, and it does give me enormous joy. I’m not being callous when I say that I don’t care about this blog. I mean that I don’t care about it as much as I care about my actual writing projects. But for better or worse, this blog is helping me grow and develop myself. It has helped me find and improve my natural writing voice, taught me how to write jokes and how to come up with better metaphors and mostly it has helped me to not care so much about every single word I write.

Perfection is in the whole, not in every single nuance. You can have some rough edges and poorly structured sentences, as long as it all adds up to something interesting (and if not, at least I have plenty of pictures of upside down dogs and baby pandas to keep you entertained. Because in the end nothing is better than that and cats in cardigans)

So these days, I find it much easier to write on my actual projects, because I just don’t care so much about it being perfect right now. I am more interested in setting up the broad strokes first. In fact, I am much more interested in finishing something for a change, without becoming discouraged or hating myself for being such a failure.

And while I’m now 20,000 words into a story that is barely holding together at the seams; because I’m making things up as I go along, I am desperately trying to accept it the way it is and defy the temptation to rewrite. Every inch of my body and mind is begging me to do it, to just brush up the logical fallacies, I’ll promise to leave the grammatical errors and spelling mistakes aside (some of them are hilarious. I might share them some day), I’m not giving in to the feeling.

Yes, I may have a character recalling something in chapter 1, which is impossible because I kill him off in chapter 3. It doesn’t really matter. Because in the long run, the story isn’t about him. And it’s an easy fix. I know it is there, and once I am done I’ll go back to it and fix it. It’s not part of the narrative, so for now I’m ignoring it and just typing away.

I’m somewhere at a pace between 500 and a 1000 words a day, and so far I’m only speeding up; because I have embraced the messiness, and decided that whatever happens, things will be fine. There will be a rewrite at some point, when I know what the story exactly is. For now, I’ll just let my hands do the typing, write without judgement, and let the words pour out of me.

They might be terrible words, but they aren’t meant to be Shakespeare (because I don’t think I can be both that poetic and boring at the same time). They are rough, ugly and messy, but they are mine.

And if they are anything like me, one day they will pretend to be absolutely perfect.

The art of moving on

When I was about 8 years old I won a cap from Donald Duck magazine. It was the first thing I ever won, and it was amazing. The cap was Donald’s face, and on it there was this little pouch you could put some money in. When my brothers, my friend Hans and I went to the swimming pool, I had to change in the girls’ locker room all alone. Being a shy and awkward little girl, this threw me off so much, that in my haste to not lose my companions, I left the cap with 10 guilders in it in the locker room.

To this day I still think about this cap with regret.

Recently, my boyfriend upgraded his title to ex-boyfriend. Guess he decided his life was definitely better without me in it. (The joke is on him, because I make everything 16% more awesome by just showing up. Fact!)  I like to say it didn’t hurt, but since I take human stupidity, global warming and what Peter Jackson did to the Hobbit personal, imagine how I feel about someone leaving me I wanted to spend at least some part of my life with.

I don’t just handle it badly, I take it horrifically unwell. If you ever want to lose all you respect you had for me, date me for a while and then break up with me. Rejection is a strange land, and I don’t get the rules.

I know I’m not completely alone in that. Most people don’t handle break-ups very well. Human beings as a species are ill-trained in dealing with loss. Excluding elephants, we are the only species on the planet that create magical ceremonies around the end of things. Just so it makes the passing seem slightly more bearable. I guess it gives us the feeling we have some control over the situation. That life, in itself, is not some uncontrollable force set out to piss on your shoes and laugh whilst doing that.

And while breaking up is merely the death of a relationship, it comes with its own rules and ceremonies as well. And because I am so terrible at getting over shit, I have set up a few ground rules. So, while all my instincts may be wrong, there’s always something to fall back on and I got amazingly great at breakups by the sheer force of my resolve to not give them the enjoyment of my pain.

In fact, I got it down to a science. Or an Art form even..

Is that possible, you ask?

Yes. Do I ever not deliver on my promises? I’m pretty sure I’m a genius, and I’ve seen my own brain now and it’s pretty big….. so listen and learn.

Breakups…. 9 times our of 10, you see them coming. So make sure the other guy gets the rules. Be fucking, gut wrenchingly clear that if shit is going to go down… it will go down your way or the highway (which may be the only time, those two are the exact same thing).

My boyfriend broke up with me over Facebook. I guess he would have liked to have a platform to say how sorry he was. And he could have picked up the phone, but he didn’t. And now I’ve changed my phone number, deleted him from my Facebook, blocked him in whatsapp. In this day and age, that pretty much means he has no way of reaching me. He can try and email me, but all that will happens is that he gets a pointedly worded email as an auto response. His email will directly go into my trash. I don’t care about what he has to say because there’s no point.

Don’t listen to Adele, Duffy or fucking Mumford & sons. Things aren’t that bad. Not so bad you have to go down that road.

-Don’t torture yourself with all the good times. Those are gone. I can spend hours thinking about how he held me in the middle of the street when I couldn’t stop crying because my dog had just died… Or how I woke him after the first night I stayed over, at 6AM because it had been snowing and we took a walk through the empty park. But whatever, those days are long gone.

– So instead, I’m just fucking angry. Remember all the shit they pulled, and then some. Beautiful memories are for later. But for now, just hate them with the fury of a thousand suns. I make fucking lists… Like remember that time he ruined your birthday because he was so fucking depressed he could barely get out of bed. Or that time you nearly drank his pee because he pissed in a bottle rather than like a normal human being and you spend and hour hurling over the sink trying to get the smell of ammonia out of your nose. Remember all the times he could not bother to call you or text you back, but managed to update his Facebook status with some menial comment about whatever made him look cool. Yea, that guy… Not worth your pain.

– Don’t blame yourself. Not yet. You may have been the worst person ever and lessons must be learned. But that’s for later….  for now. You’re not the one doing the breaking up. You are the one being dumped. Which immediately gives you the moral high ground. So, whatever made them decide you are not for them… That’s because there is something wrong with them, not with you.

And since they are wrong and fucked up…Don’t talk to them. Not until you can look them square in the eyes and go… What the fuck did I ever see in you. Which may be quicker than you think. Thanks to the fact that every thing wrong in your life, is now all of the sudden their fault.

– Even if they want to talk to you, remember they have no claim on your time anymore. They lost that the moment they said goodbye. They may want to explain and make themselves feels great about leaving you. Fuck them. Their reasons may be as legit as they come. Not your problem. You don’t need to hear how he met the love of his life 3 days ago, or how his ex really is the one and you just helped him realize that. They don’t get to explain themselves. It doesn’t matter. In the end, what it comes down to is that they don’t want to be with you. Accept that. That is all the reason you need. You don’t need to hear anything to doubt or hate yourself. Trust me. You’re fine.

Don’t cry. — When I was at the height of being sick, I cried over everything. I couldn’t leave the house. Bawling. Couldn’t open a jar. Tear fest. Forgot to charge my phone. End of the world. Then one day, I decided it was silly. I was wasting my tears. (Like baby eggs, you only get so many in a lifetime. Don’t waste them) I made a deal with myself. If it wasn’t as bad as my dog dying of Cancer, it wasn’t worth my tears. And while writing this, I might be fighting them back… But I sure as hell won’t waste one, on a person who can barely do me the honors of breaking up with me. So don’t cry. They’re not crying over you. Smile instead. It feels better.

Stay busy. Sitting at home alone, crawling in bed, stuffing your face with junk food (or in my case, solitary drinking) may seem appealing… But it only leads to self loathing. And you’ll get fat, which means you’ll have to go to the gym… And if there is anything more depressing than going to the gym… I don’t know what it is. So instead, go out. Have fun. Make new friends. Joke around. Life is too fucking short to be sad.

Set a goal, or do something productively with yourself. Get a hobby, go on holiday, make a plan to do something you’ve always wanted to do. Because there’s two ways you can do it, you can get bitter or you can try and make the best of it. You decide which is more awesome.

Take care of yourself. Drinking is always my first escape. Unless when I’m not drinking. Getting high is a great option too. But know when to stop. If you find yourself with a heroin needle stuck in your arm in an alley six months from now, you have gone too far.  Don’t forget to eat and sleep. Because

Know that things will get better some day, and you’ll not remember the pain and suffering you’ve gone through. So hang on to the lists you’ve made. Whenever you think you may want to be friends again. Read those goddamn lists, and decide if they’re worth it. In most cases, they are not. Or you’re just a better person than I am.

Get back all your stuff. It may seem like a tempting option to leave something precious back, so you have to see him one last time. And you’ll end up standing with your crap in front of his house, when he’s all cool and distant because he is fucking over you.

So if I could, I’d take everything that even has a smidgen of my DNA on it with me. I am fucking thorough. Not just your clothes, but letters, presents you gave him, presents he gave you, art work… Anything. Take it all back. Give back what is his as well. You don’t want him to come round knocking for it. Even when you really secretly do want that. Close that door as firmly as possible. Nail it shut, then bolt it, and poor it in cement, then bury it. But definitely make sure you have everything back. Especially the personal stuff. Lock them away in a box, with a note. One day when you’re dead and gone, the curator for the museum dedicated to you will open it up and be all like. Wow… What a treasure. And they will find a letter from you to them, completely tarnishing your ex’s reputation. So he’ll go down in the memory of the planet as a bunch of fucking assholes. He who laughs last is a fucking winner.

Tell your friends. Than shut the fuck up about it. Because you can go on for hours, and days and months about how much you’re hurting and how miserable you feel. But in the end, your ex will still be controlling your life from beyond the metaphorical grave of your relationship. You think they are crying and feeling miserable? No fucking way. So don’t do it. Suck it up. And shut the fuck up. It’ll be over a lot sooner that way.

Oh, but it’s OK to write bitter blog posts about it, Janneke? Yes, because I can do whatever the fuck I want. And if you want to comment or judge, I invite you to start your own blog and piss and whine about it there.

Depending on the Vantage Point — We’re all Assholes

if-assholes-could-flyIt’s been the quarter of inter-personal crises here at Camp Awesome. In the last few weeks and months, I’ve managed to crash and burn more personal relationships than George Lucas has crashed franchises. And usually this would mean that I would spring into self-defense mode, claim the world is an idiot that will never understand my beautiful genius, and finally move on with my life waiting for others to clean up my mess.

But moving to a strange and exotic country (as England -with it’s foreign wildlife and strange cultural rituals- is commonly described) has it’s perks. You get some distance from things. (Or maybe I’m just finally growing up, but let’s not make things worse and more terrifying than they already are.)

So, instead of picking up my war hammer and rallying the troops into action, these days I just rope off the disaster zone and let it sit there while I get ready to inspect it further. I’ll be the first to say that my grasp on reality is flimsy at best, and that this is something I usually only realize in retrospect… When the dust of the battlefield has settled down, and it dawns on me that perhaps that enemy I knifed down was more a case of friendly fire.

Oops.

But when you’ve burned all your ships behind you, it’s really hard to go back again.

So, the last few crises I’ve tried to be more of a detective than a warlord. Of course, it remains difficult for me to look at my own actions with some objectivity. There is always this filter of self-delusional awesomeness covering the lens. I have no problems believing that I am both the worst and the best person on the planet. The self-loathing creep that tells me I’ll never be good enough walks hand in hand with the self-applauding freak that thinks I’m god’s gift to mankind. I guess they are equally true and untrue; that they meet in the middle and I am just as mediocre as every other fuckwit I meet.

But as I write that, I don’t really believe that. I am only saying that to not sound like the Asshole I know I am. And as I write that my entire being defies the notion that I am an Asshole, because I am trying so hard to be a good and kind person and I am really nice sometimes. And as I write that, I know I am an Asshole just for thinking I’m not actually an asshole. (I hope you guys have a lot of spare time on your hands, because this line of reasoning goes on pretty much ad infinitum)

But thanks to me roping off all my personal crises and having a better look at them first, before doing anything with them, I have learned one valuable thing… As much as I hate myself sometimes, everyone else on this godforsaken globe is an Asshole too. (And don’t go” “Ehrm… not me.” Yea! Especially you. And you know it, you fucking asshole) It just depends on the vantage point.

I know this is not some notion that will rock many people’s world; the idea that there is good and bad in every single human being. And I guess I am a horrible writer for only coming to terms with this notion now (Not to mention a horrible human being for caring more about being a horrible writer). Except, I never really understood how actions can be interpreted as both evil and great, depending on from what angle you look at it. And the idea of this, the shifting perspective, it is just too thrilling for me drop without quickly jumping at the opportunity to talk about myself a bit more.

Because I’ve always been more than curious to know how other people see me. Perhaps this stems from the fact that it is impossible for me to have a realistic look at myself -due to my previously discussed self-deluding commitment to only see things how they should be rather than as they are- and me roping off my pain and failures for a later date, perhaps has finally given me some new perspective that was lacking before.

I think today is exactly a year ago that my then-future-boyfriend crouched down beside me, and as per my instructions, asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. He made me actual mixtapes with hidden USB-ports in it, because who has a tape-deck anymore. He made me mohitos when I was sad, because nothing cheers you up like the promise of a massive hangover. We would spend each and every day texting back and forth, to a point where I was developing RSI in my thumbs because our hands have strangely enough not evolved for the sole purpose of typing on iPhones. In short, he promised me wild adventures and other groovy times.

He declared his undying love for me one early morning 3 weeks after we had met. I was completely weirded out by this, but as I hovered in the door opening on my way out, I realized I loved him too so I didn’t care. He found me the most amazing human being on the planet, and I thought he was pretty great too, even if he had hairy feet and weird hands. It took us about a month more to move in together, partly because being apart was almost unbearable (partly, because I was homeless). This may seem pretty fast, but given the fact that we discussed out plans to not have kids together on our first date, I’d say we were right on schedule.

In short, it was the classic tale of boy meets girl and they fall in love… albeit with a few more Batman references.

Flash forward to one year later, where I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over almost 2 months, and the mixtapes and other crap he gave me have been safely boxed away in a cardboard box with ‘Dark and Twisted Memories’ in big black letters on it. (In case I forget what’s in the box that has been wrapped in so much sellotape even a lunatic would find it excessive.)

My ex-boyfriend managed to dump me in 6 poorly written lines via Facebook-mail while he was visiting his ex-girlfriend in New York. It is admittedly a less than classy move, especially when put like that. Everyone immediately declared me better off and him an Asshole for it. I guess he is. He could have been a man about it and have some respect and pick up a phone. So yea, he is definitely the asshole of this tale (except those bits later on in the tale where Darth Vader shows up… But that won’t happen until a few years from now).

But I guess that if he were to tell the tale, it’d start out the exact same way. But then when we get closer and closer to the end, we take a different path, our vantage points more and more dramatically. We get a different perspective on things… Whilst still telling the exact same story, things would be completely different.

In his tale, I’m the bigger asshole. He’s the guy who really struggled to figure out what he wanted, and only could do with some distance. Then I forced him to tell me what was going on, he reluctantly did, expecting to be able to fully explain when things had settled down. Except he found himself cut off from my Facebook, my Twitter. I had changed my phone number and blocked my email account. All of his stuff had been returned and mine had meticulously been removed from his house. All that was left was a shitty note saying goodbye -a thing he never got to say-, please give me back my notebook, and I don’t want to be your friend so don’t bother contacting me.

Yes, I am an asshole in this tale. If a friend would tell me how his ex just cut him out of her life from one day to the next… I’d declare her a fucking asshole. Except that the asshole is me here, and I know precisely every fucked up reason why I’d rather not talk to him. So, will the real asshole please stand up??

Continue reading

Negative Writing Space.

This picture has little to do with this entire post. I just like it. If this bothers you, please send a written complaint to someone who gives a shit.

This picture has little to do with this entire post. I just like it. If this bothers you, please send a written complaint to someone who gives a shit.

As discussed in my last post I am living my life at rock bottom at the moment, feeling like an emotional and physical train wreck survivor. To be honest though, as a person who spend the majority of her life literally at the bottom of the world, right below sea level, I feel quite comfortable having some quiet time until my mind and heart are healed again.

What is way more frustrating (than getting my heart broken and my brain scanned, because let’s keep it in perspective people!) is that I am currently writing at a negative pace. As promised (to myself) I write- almost every day- a whole bunch of words down. I think I average just over 500 a day, which isnt’t all that much. But I think it is still impressive considering the fact that I have to nurture my alcohol addiction (just kidding mom, it’s a pill addiction), google pictures of fat, angry, dressed up cats and my brain trying to throb it’s way out of my skull at the same time.

Of course, to you- a mere mortal- 500 words a day may still seem impressive. Perhaps because you are much better at math than me, and can quickly figure out that if I am telling the truth, that adds up to about 3500 words a week, which is 15,000 a month. Given that the typical novel averages at around 60,000 words, at this pace, I should be putting my finishing touches on something resembling the size and scope of the bible (but of course, of much more cultural importance and way more references to Brad Pitt’s naked torso.)

Except that I’m not. At the time of procrastinating on this blog post, I am stuck at 10,833 words. Which is, now that I’m thinking about it, not as bad as I thought. Except that a week ago I was somewhere around 14,000 words. So rather that progressing, in some ways I am moving backwards.

Today for instance, I wrote about 1200 words. But now, at the end of a grueling writing session (without any coffee, I should add) I’m actually stuck at minus 1600 plus words. I know this because I meticulously keep track. With every word I write, I can see my own statistics glaring at me from my screen, counting up word for word… but the last few days mostly counting down. (I do whatever I can to make myself feel like a lazy failure)

Screen shot 2013-01-27 at 6.10.34 PM

Welcome to my fucking world.

How come, you ask? Can’t you just stop keeping track and pretend writing is fun or something?

Well, to answer your question…  Getting beat up in a dark alley, drunk dialing your ex and getting hit by a truck (simultaneously) are all things I consider to be way more fun than writing. But you don’t do those things, you say. Well, first of all; fuck you, how do you know? Second of all… No, sorry…. I got nothing…. No funny come back or something to make this seem less like a dumb segue that I am too lazy to edit out.

I just wanted you to know that I don’t really enjoy writing.

Well, than it’s probably a good thing you don’t write all that many words… why are you fucking even complaining about it and wasting my fucking precious time!! Don’t you know I have stocks and shares to buy and poor people to oppress?!

Will you shut the fuck up for a minute, imaginary reader who happens to be an oppressive dictator because that is what I think the average readership of this blog is! I didn’t ask you for your opinion. You don’t see me come to your (imaginary) blog and interrupt you when you are busy writing boring pieces about how you are writing negative words (or killing puppies, because you’re a vile dictator and that’s what you do for fun on Wednesdays).

(Hey, everyone looking back from the future when I really am in the asylum… You really can’t say there were no signs of my impending mental collapse.)
Anyways, sorry about that. The things I do to not have to write a story…  Getting back to me complaining about boring shit in… 5…4…3…2…

Basically what happens is that every day I write way more words than I end up with. I think about half of everything I write bites the dust before the day is over. The rest will be erased over the course of the next few days. And slowly, but gently I’m shaping this tale into something that is both amazing and heart breaking (read: self indulging and cringe-worthy). Because it is relatively easy to write a thousand words in an hour, what is much, much harder is for those words to form logical sentences and actually make sense. And if you want all of those sentences to shape and build together to something even bigger… It takes time and a lot of rewriting.

And sometimes you get stuck, and there is nothing to do but trash 2000 words. Not all of them bad, in fact, some of them are great. (Obviously, since I wrote them). And I would say that gets frustrating (as I did when I started this post). But it really doesn’t. Because I am building a house of words, and if the foundation isn’t solid. There is no point in continuing.

So yes, most days I really hate writing. It’s a drag and you feel you end up with nothing but good intentions and bad sentences. But in the end, I know that what I hate even more than writing is not writing. So, I am condemned to crawl behind my shitty old computer and punch away on the keys, feel like a talentless hack and do it anyways. Because it’s kind of all I have. (Hey people with real jobs and lives, don’t you feel great about yourself right now?!)It’s coincidentally also what I came here to do, so the fact that I am finally, consistently doing it gives me some small feeling of pride. (at this point in time, I’ll take what I can get)

I may be writing at a negative pace right now, but in the end, I am still almost 11,000 words into a story that is kind of funny (it’s about suicide. Always a hoot). And I am learning all new kinds of things (mostly about killing yourself -for instance, did you know it was painful and unpleasant– and the Looney Tunes).

And someday soon, I might post the first chapter here. So you guys can tell me whether I am the genius many prophets once proclaimed I was, or if I just should get on with it and kill myself. (Just kidding, I am totally waiting for that Apocalypse. I’m crossing my fingers for either zombies or an ice age!)

Scariest. Fucking. Thing. Ever.

Scariest. Fucking. Thing. Ever.

P.S.

The first person that emails me saying that perhaps writing would go a lot faster if I didn’t waste 1200 words on a blog post where I mostly talk to my imaginary dictator friend and ramble on about boring shit that really no one in the world gives a shit about except myself…  can expect a bullet engraved with his or her name in the mail.

Maniacal laugh

Greetings from Rock Bottom — Population: 1

rockbottom

Somewhere last week someone told me the immortal line “Things always have to get worse before they get better”. I made a joke whether he had a death wish for me, because that seemed like possibly the only way things could get any worse. Part of me meant it.

The day before that, I had my MRI, and after the excitement of seeing my own brain had faded (Yes, it was awesome. And yes. I took pictures.) I had what can only be described as a full-on nuclear meltdown. One minute I was walking down the street, minding my own business; the next minute there was this explosion of emotion and I couldn’t stop leaking hot, salty water out of my eyeballs. It dawned on me that I just had my brain scanned for tumors and what not. Which is bad enough as it is, but I also realised that if they don’t find anything, I just may have to accept the fact that I am fucking crazy. And I honestly don’t know which option I fear more.

And in that moment, I though I had hit rock bottom. Things couldn’t really get much worse than this; I had a dead dog, stupid break-up, crazy brains and dumb health issues all weighing me down. The way I saw it, there were few ways my life could get much worse. At some point only the extremely cataclysmic still registers. And after being hit one shit storm after another, it seemed I had reached that point.

I think it is safe to say that I take things slightly more dramatically than is probably good for me. It is one of the big downsides to being me. Everyone always calls me tough, but I am only tough because actually feeling stuff is way too draining. But as much as I like to keep stuff out, some things just get stuck in my brain. It’s like a story that I tell myself, and naturally I bring it to its most dramatic conclusion. So for the next few days, as far as I was concerned, I probably was dying. (my fingers are still crossed for an Apocalypse)

I still don’t have my results, so for all I know, I really might be. But I am not nearly as fatalistic as I was a week ago. So what happened?

Well, for one, I really hit rock bottom.

The rest of the week, I couldn’t eat. If I tried, I would just throw up. I couldn’t sleep. The only way I could fall asleep was with a podcast or audiobook on, so my mind would be preoccupied with that. Nevertheless an hour or 2 later I’d be wide awake again, and even less able to get some rest. I partly blame me and my boyfriend finally breaking up for that. We all know how well I deal with failure. But trust me that it’s not easy falling asleep thinking about how you would look with no hair, or what you would wear to your own fucking funeral. Especially when you have no big ole dog to cuddle, with a soft fur to bury your face in.

To top it off, my hormones were just raging through my body. I felt like my nerves were shredded in a way I have never, in my life, felt before. I was this walking open wound.  spend most Friday just fighting off the blues. I was incredibly apathetic and I really was convinced I had hit rock bottom. But in one furious act of defiance, I decided I should leave the house and go out. Have fun with some friends and not be all gloomy watching Community in bed. So, I got dressed and left my house. Applause.

I don’t think I had walked 20 meters when not despair but dizzying gravity dragged me down. I hit my head, and fell on the street. And as I was lying there, bleeding out of my head… I knew I had finally reached it for real.

Rock Bottom.

And that was probably the most liberating moment I have had in a very long time. After months of feeling shitty, being sick and trying so fucking hard to be happy and healthy, I knew things couldn’t get any worse. And that now that I was there, it didn’t actually seem all that bad. And I just felt the greatest sense of relieve. This was it. The worst it could possibly get.

No matter what will happen, I will be fine. I will start climbing back up again. It may be a long and hard road, but hell… It’s not the first time I’ve had to do it and I’m pretty sure it won’t be the last time. So, you know… I had training. And I’m already better than most at it. I’m a fucking emotional mountaineer, and I will reach that peak where I am fucking deliriously happy again.

For now, I am content to stay at rock bottom, because I don’t have the strength yet to climb back up. (besides, I’m writing like crazy and there is nothing better for writing than feeling shitty) There’s still doctor’s results on the horizon and one way or another I will have to deal with them. I will have to deal with the fact that whatever they are, I am struggling to get to work and make it through a full day. I have to deal with the fact that yet another relationship went down the drain, because I am way too much to handle for normal people. I have to deal with the fact that I miss my dog so much, I don’t even know how to go back home again because she was my home. I have to deal with the fact that since she died, I haven’t spoken to any of my friends and the consequent fact that perhaps that makes me a selfish asshole (Although I think it makes me awesome, because I don’t want them to have to listen to me complain all the time. (instead I do that here) Hey guys, if you’re reading this. I’m in emotional Iraq at the moment. I’ll talk to you when I’m fucking happy again.)

But I will deal with all of that. In fact, just knowing that the unmoving soil of rock bottom is directly underneath me supporting my weight, has helped me. I am no longer staring back at the train wreck (aka my life) behind me. I crawled out of that, and now I am just sitting here. Looking at the wonderful things I have ahead of me. But since that will be a long climb back up, I’ll just be sitting here for a while, chilling out, enjoying the view, waiting for any news from the doctor so I can decide which path to take.

And while someone said that saying you’re at Rock Bottom is negative and not in line with all my positivity talk (BTW, go fuck yourself. You come sit here, and then we’ll talk) I wholeheartedly disagree with him. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging where you are, how you got there, and trying to make sure you get yourself out of that situation. I am not being a negative Nancy here, I’m being a fucking realist. Also, my name is not Nancy, so it makes no sense anyway.

My life could be a lot better right now, and knowing that will help me make it better. I can blindly shut my eyes and start screaming that everything is great. But that is, in my book, the definition of crazy (although, I am the lady that worries she is actually crazy… so what do I know).

But to be honest; people should try accepting where they are at. Which is exactly what I am trying to do. This is my life right now. It may not be great. — no wait… That line should say– It may not be great yet… But it will be.

Because it really will be great again. It’s inevitable. And to be honest, some things really are great already. And I doubt that 6 months from now, any of these concerns and struggles I am having still seem valid. They rarely do (although, I will still miss my little buddy.) If there is one thing I know about myself is that I am full of hope. To me; Schrödinger’s cat is not so much about Quantum physics, but a test about whether you are a positive or a negative person (or a real scientist who can say both (or neither) and thinks my interpretation of the cat conundrum is dumb). To me, when you open up the box; the cat is still alive (possibly angry) and will land on her paws.

I know I will be fine. Always. Sure, it’ll be a struggle sometimes, but in the end, things work out. Even if it is only for a little while. I read way too many fairy tales and saw way too many Disney films to believe otherwise.

So, for now I will sit here at the bottom of the Universe until I know how to move upwards again. And for all I know; I really might be crazy thinking that rock bottom is not the worst place to be. (But then I think of Belgium, and I know I am right. Imagine having to live there) To me, it’s a comforting thought, knowing you cannot fall any further.

And at least for once in my life I know exactly where I am.
(and since Google Maps went off my phone that truly never happens indeed. So yay!)

What he Said

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming ‘Woo Hoo what a ride!'”

– Hunter S. Thompson, who truly lived (and died) by those words. He left this planet with a burned up body and a note that -as far as suicide notes go- was pretty awesome. He also had one of the better funerals I’ve ever heard about.

And yes, I know quoting famous authors makes you a pretentious douchebag. But hey… when the shoe fits, fucking own that thing and wear it with pride…

Positivity! — Or, how I stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb.

live-life-like-a-rock-star-thumb24035357I was reminded I am still the sole contributor to this largely abandoned blog. When I say abandoned, I mean by abandoned by me. Because I just had a look at my stats and surprisingly I get more visitors when I’m not actually doing any writing. (I use the word ‘surprisingly’ with some sense of irony here) Perhaps I should take the hint. Perhaps all y’all should have cared just a bit more and I wouldn’t have stopped writing in the first place.

But anyways, a kind gentleman had lifted an image from my site and send me a message saying he had done so. First of all, this man clearly does not know how the Internet works. You don’t go around telling people you stole the stuff they stole before you. That’s just a stunning and courteous breach of Internet policy. (Thank you sir who will never read this, it made my day)

But he had ‘borrowed’ the image from a post I wrote about a year ago, when this year was just about to begin. It was about my resolutions for the year 2012. Reading it back now, I was struck by a few things. First of all, I am pretty goddamn awesome. And in case you take this statement seriously… This morning I was having a shower and the thought that crossed my mind was: “They should really make a Spotify for movies.”

Yes. (remind me of this moment whenever I unleash my untamed douchebaggery or other forms of disgusting, self-delusional bragging on this world)

But what struck me most was how much and how little I have changed at the same time. I guess that is normal and I am not some demigod (I shall still believe I am, of course. Reality is overrated). I am still the same person, with the same horrifically annoying character flaws… But the way I deal with them and have learned from them have changed tremendously… or so I like to believe at least. (Yea, delusion piled upon delusion. See, I’m still exactly the same person…)

I’ve been here in London for over a year now. I would love to say it was a great year. And in some ways it really has been. I broadened my horizons (whilst never leaving the safe confines of Western Europe. One step at a time people), fell in love in a very big way, wrote a ton of words, threw them out and started over, met some amazing people, seen some amazing things. But it has also been a very tumultuous year, and especially the last few months have been quite– shall I say– shitty.

One where I met my limitations head on, and lost. One where I managed to drive myself down a path of despair and depression that I am just now coming out of. One where I lost the love of my life, my little buddy, and I couldn’t even be there to shepherd her out of this world. One where I have seen the inside of a hospital more than I ever have in my life.

A year where I nearly gave up.

Well, that sounds horribly depressing, suicidal and defeatist, you say. Don’t start calling me asking me if I want to talk about it. I said nearly. I was not listening to Adele songs with a razor near my wrists. I did not seek out any cliff to dive off, nor did I take a nap on a train track. I am way too lazy for that. Besides, I was really looking forward to the Hobbit coming out (If only I’d known the disappointment I was in for…)

But there is more than one way to stop living. When every day you sit on the sofa, unable to move, unable to do anything. That’s not really living. I just gave up. I gave up on fighting, on feeling good, being happy, I gave up on doing anything at all with my life. I had some great excuses, I had M.E. (poor, poor me…) I was sad and pathetic and nothing ever went my way. (Yea, fuck you Universe. I still blame you… Because, why take responsibility for your own life and happiness when you can blame an invisible entity)

Well, fucking whoop-di-doo. I am a white, middle-class girl in her twenties. I don’t know fucking shit about suffering. The only way I would be better off is if I had a penis or I was the heir to a fortune 500 company. I was not born in Africa or China or the slums of India or Detroit. I can buy food every day and still invest in a bottle of Vodka or a pair of new jeans. I have a roof over my head. I have clean drinking water and supposedly free health care. I don’t know fucking shit about what it is to live the hard life (I have not listened to nearly enough gangsta rap to understand that).

So… I was a bit tired and a bit depressed. It happens. What shouldn’t happen though, is that it is OK to just roll over and give up. I have said this before, but now climbing out of the valley of misery I marched myself into… I need to remind myself for once and all that it is not OK to feel sorry for myself. It’s not cool to sit at home and watch TV series all day long (even when they are awesome shows… Kudos to American Network television… without you, I would have been realising this so much sooner, but you kept me nicely wrapped up in a state of obedient submission… but hey! At least it was entertaining…)

One of my friends asked me if she should start going on anti-depressants. I said I had nothing against it. I don’t. I’m not on them, but I wish I had been a few months ago. I may have not gone down the road I did. The thing is, if you feel like shit… You forget that that is not normal after a while. Because you’ve been shitty and struggling for such a long time it becomes the status quo.

Things (or you) need to collapse before you snap out of it.

For me, it was going back home and realising why I had left in the first place. It was my boyfriend turning into an angry mess because I had literally driven him to the brink of going insane himself. It was me feeling slightly more healthy and capable of leaving the house without getting dizzy all the time. It was moving into a new house where I had some room to be myself. It was finally starting to write again and actually sticking with it to such an extend it is actually moving in a real direction.

I started to slowly smile again, and some days I really meant it. I started to make jokes again and see the humour in things. I managed to find the courage to leave the house and hang out with friends. (yes, I needed courage for that. Don’t email me. I am well aware I am quite pathetic. Don’t need you telling me.) I went back to work, and started to feel a bit more useful. I faced the fact that I have issues and in some ways need to change; either myself or my life. But I also accepted that in some ways I am pretty amazing and that I should not change myself for any other reason than that I want to, and I certainly should not doubt myself or give up on myself. I started to have fun again, and long for adventure and new things. And not because I wanted to run away from the bullshit I created.. But because new things are fun and exciting.

I started to do better.

And then the thing I’ve been fearing for 6 years or so happened.

My dog died. (See… white people problems)

I think every one who knows me, knows what she meant to me and how big a part of me she was. She was more than a friend. In some ways, being away from her drove me insane. Every day I felt torn that I was not near her. I missed her. I love my friends, but I can talk to them on the phone (or skype if they ever manage to find out how that works). My dog never had that luxury. So every day I was in London, I felt I was betraying her.

And then, the day after my 26th Birthday, my little stalker passed away and I could not be there for her.

I still feel guilty about that. I still feel so sad. Sad beyond words.

But I did not break.

I did what every sane person would do. I drank. I started drinking vodka for breakfast, then I had some more for lunch. Dinner was Vodka, and then I had a nice hot coco with Malibu for bedtime. It was the best thing ever!! (Well, except that my dog was dead… but you know what I mean)  I don’t want to say I endorse drinking your pain away. But fuck yes!! I had been cutting myself off from every kind of substance or fun in the hopes I wouldn’t be so tired anymore. For months and months. I worked, went to the gym, and went home to sleep or watch TV. I was healthy beyond reason in some ways. But I was just focused on that. Being healthy. As if that fucking makes anything better?!

Yes, in some ways it does I guess. But even if I’d been healthy, at some point I had fucked myself over so bad, I would have found something else to be in tears over.  I am not a brave trooper. I whine and complain and piss and moan. (Hey mom, aren’t you proud of me!?) I wish I were a soldier, and could take it. But I am not. I am very disappointed with myself in some ways. But that was the way it was. Perhaps next time, I shall be cool and not complain so much… (haha!)

I have been trying to do just that, the last few weeks. I am taking the pain created by this dog-shaped hole in my heart, and I am bending it into a positive outlet. Tears are all nice and well, and taste funny when you lick them off your face… But they don’t help much. So instead of crying and complaining, I am writing. It may be the shittiest thing I’ve ever written. I don’t know. I am convinced it is. Because you know… It may as well be. I really don’t care. It is making me happy and feel like I have a goal again. And that is more important than anything else.

I am not yet healthy, and in some scary ways farther from it than I was before I went home. But I don’t care about that either. I am not going down the road of complaining and feeling sorry for myself again. I am not going to let it scare me into a submissive stupour.

Because I drove myself crazy thinking of how OK I wasn’t.

When in reality, I was OK. In fact, I didn’t realise how good my life was. I was loved, cared for, had a job, awesome friends, a boyfriend who tried his best to help me, an equally supportive family, a seemingly immortal dog… I had (and have) a pretty good life. And the fact that I was just feeling sorry for myself, that just makes me a fucking asshole.

Yes, a really cool asshole, but an asshole nevertheless.

So, I am not going down that lane again… at least, not without putting up a really big fight. I don’t complain or whine about my health. In fact, I try to not discuss it if I can help it. (In case anyone is wondering or worried. I am fine, still not dead.) Every day I set myself a goal. Write a thousand words. Smile like you mean it. Read something you find interesting (and remember it). Leave the house and see or do new stuff. And most importantly, stop being so fucking neurotic, you psycho nutcase.

Which were pretty much my New Years resolutions for 2012. So while I may think they are the dumbest things ever, maybe I did manage this year to actually fulfill them, and stick with them. It may have been a goddamn hard road. But I learned a lot. I may even have become a slightly better person (although I am still completely determined to become the Ultimate evil Overlord, of course.. But one with a heart of gold. Possibly literally. I’ll keep it in my bookcase. Yes. This must happen. Friends, in case you wonder what I want for my Birthday. I want a heart of Gold. It has to be pure gold. Make it happen. You are already a month late with gifting me something so I think a heart of pure Gold is not too much to ask for.)

Ha, who had thought new years resolutions are a real thing.

But since apparently they are (because I said so.) I should make some for 2013. (I already have of course… But let’s pretend that you are watching history in the making)

For 2013 there’s only 3 things I shall do.

First of all, I shall drink. With every opportunity, I shall drink and toast to being alive. Because drinking is awesome and it makes people seem more pretty. It’s pretty much the only cool thing about growing up, well, that and sex and being able to see whatever movie you want… So if you’re not doing some drinking, and some sex and some having fun… you might as well give up. Being a grown up is dumb, but seeing as we cannot be kids forever, take what the fuck you can get! And drink! And smile! And buy new shoes… because being to decide what you want to wear all by yourself is pretty awesome too (Yes mom, no one likes to wear fucking corduroy trousers. Goddamn it)

Oh, and while I’m at it. I shall smoke more, and do whatever the fuck makes me happy. Because there is no point in living a healthy life when you feel like crap. So, I shall do whatever I feel like. And I encourage everyone to do the same thing. If fucking Mick Jagger is still alive… There is no point in living a healthy life. Be a rock star and have some fun, people!

Secondly, I shall write. But aren’t you already doing that, you ask? Yes, I am. Fuck you for interrupting me! But I shall write some bit more and continue writing. 1000 words a day, at least. And I have decided I should attempt to write one blog post a week. Don’t read them. They shall be boring as fuck. But they shall be there. Because they amuse me… And that’s all I care about. Well, there might be some pictures of baby cats and chinchillas and such… Because I like those too. But yea. I shall write. Because I am possibly the most interesting person on the planet… and I would hate to rob my words of wisdom and insight (such as… Hey, I suck, Let’s drink) from you.

The last thing is something I attempt at every year, and I guess I am not alone in that…

I send my evil twin, Wez, a X-mas card saying that I genuinely hope that the new year is one of little personal growth and much fun. Because it seems both of us are condemned to grow through misery rather than experience. And as much as I like to be old and Wise someday, right now I’d rather be young and stupid. (Which is where the drinking comes in, because nothing brings out the stupid as alcohol)

So, once again, we will make it our goal to not be nihilistic cynics this year. 2013 is the year of Positivity!

Positivity and Happiness.

Yes!!

Because you can let all the bad shit get you down… But the only one you’re harming is yourself. And at some point you’re gonna have to accept that you will be fine. No matter what happens, you will be fine.

You will be fine.
2013 will be fine.

And I will definitely be fine.

Happy fucking new year, douchebags.

I’m not dead… I’m Outlining — A conversation with my Imaginary ‘Fans’

In case you are wondering where I am. I am behind my computer… writing and outlining my story. It kinda takes time and effort. (and when I’m not doing that, I’m trying to get myself a bank account)

It’s been two months of that already. What are you…. A terrible writer?

Could be, could very much be. Safe to say I’ve been working really hard. And then some days not so hard. But I think I’m really making headway this time. And if not, in the worst case, I do learn to write really beautifully constructed sentences.

Yea, who cares. When is that screenplay you keep boring us with, done.

I’d say 7 months from now… If I can keep this up. I outlined 8 pages today, 4 of which I am really happy and 2 I can live with. So, I think I might not throw this version out completely. Maybe.

7 months… If you think I’ll keep reading this terrible blog full of Imaginary conversations with yourself and pictures of Indiana Jones and puppies… you are very much mistaken. 

Too bad. Here’s a picture of not Indiana Jones for your trouble.

Anyone else here think that combining Episode 1 with 3D might actually be the best Idea George Lucas ever had. Two negatives cancel eachother out, right?

Moonrise Kingdom

I just realized there are very few movies that will be released this year that I’m truly exited to see. Moonrise Kingdom now officially became one of them…

I’m not so sure the movie will be that great, but you gotta admire Anderson for his visual style and the tone and mood in everything he does. He is one of the few true young Auteurs out there.

Hey Hollywood — You’re officially done now.

Hey Hollywood,

We have had a long standing relationship, and up to now it has been pretty good. Sure, there were some disappointments along the way. I think we both know what happened on the 22nd of May, 2008[1] when you brutally slaughtered Indiana Jones with no regards for my feelings. At all.

I’m sorry, I know I said I wouldn’t bring it up again… but you hurt me.

I know I hurt you too. I hurt you when I continuously failed to show up for the latest Transformers film.  And I may have disappointed you when I refused to watch any film in 3D, ever. But I think that was for both our good.

We’ve struggled on for as long as we could, but I can no longer stand by and watch you destroy yourself. Please listen to me… You can be so inspiring, entertaining, creative, surprising, mindblowingly beautiful. Please, I’ve seen that in you so many times. Why are you giving up on that person? And for what… Some bunch of Jersey Shore watching morons who do not appreciate you the way I do?? Why do you not have more faith in how truly amazing you can be… Can you not see what I see in you every day? Where is the spark gone?

So, my dearest friend…  Consider this an intervention. I am writing you as a lover and friend to tell you that you are done. You’ve tried very hard.. But I think it is time to take a break, take a breath and survey everything you’ve done.

Because you’ve done pretty good. You kept me company when I needed it the most; when I was tired and the world seemed like a dark place you gave me Casablanca, The Godfather, Star Wars, A touch of Evil, Edward Scissorhands, Vertigo, The Dark Knight, E.T., Aladdin, Drive, 12 angry men, Blade Runner and not to mention Indiana Jones and shots of the impeccable abs of various beloved superheroes.

And I thank you for that.

But if this…this thing… is all you have left to offer, I think it’s time for you to quit. If the creativity is so sucked out of you, that all you can do is rehash baby books; I think it’s time to wither and die. When all you have left to give, is Cameron Diaz talking about her boobs and babies…. For the love of God.. Before someone truly gets hurt… End it! Just end it!!

End yourself now!

Please, I beg of you.

No more torture!

 

1 No, I did not look that up.
Yes, I know the date Indiana Jones 4 (or as I like to call it…The movie that does not exist) was released better than I know my own Birthday.
No, this is not strange at all.