It’s not just Hollywood that’s trying to torture me…

As we all know… I will see any film starring Colin Firth. That man is a God. I still think he fumbled his acceptance speech at the Oscar by not crying like an old lady at her husbands funeral but staying classy and composed instead… But even that is so easily forgiven by the fact that he is Awesome.

So imagine my displeasure at finding out that there’s a new Bridget Jones movie in the works. Sure, I enjoyed Colin and Hugh’s on-screen battle for the love of Bridget Jones. But that was the first movie. How was I supposed to know it was all downhill from there!?

And sure I bought the 3 disc special edition that comes in a really crappy box. But that was only because I like Special editions and at that point was still obsessed with having a cool DVD collection (You know, when Blu-Ray was still a thing of the future). But let’s face it. The second Bridget Jones is a really crappy movie. It was just an excuse for the cast and crew to go on holiday (sans Colin by the way;  Let’s talk about dropping the ball in terms of production value) to Thailand.

People tell me it’s based on a book. Well, if that’s correct than Helen Fielding should be ashamed of herself… or really angry with the people who adapted her book for the screen. Come on, Fielding. I’ve never read anything you wrote… But if you think it was a good idea to have your leading lady imprisoned in one of the worst prisons in the world which apparently isn’t so bad, and then she goes all Martha Stewart, independent woman on their ass before she gets saved by prince charming and it takes an entire film for them to make up, you’re a hack. A hack.

I’m sorry. But you are. It’s a sad excuse for a Cinderella story.

Besides, talk about needy women. Come on, Bridget Jones. What’s so important about finding a man? Yes, I would also like someone to make me breakfast in bed. Yes, I would also like someone to do my groceries and help me cook blue soup. Yes, I would also like to make out in my underwear in the middle of a snowy street. But you can just get a butler for that. At least, that’s my plan. I’m just going to get filthy rich by posting pictures of cats on this blog all day and then get myself a very hot butler.

You should have thought of it.

But who are we kidding.  We all know that I’m going to see it. It’s got Colin… and Hugh Grant. Those two are like a giant Oreo cookie. The best of both worlds. You have the crunchy chocolate (Colin) and the creamy filling (Hugh) and it’s a cookie (I like cookies)! It doesn’t get much better than that were it not that they’ve been cast in a stinker of a film.

And don’t get all: “How do you know.. you haven’t even seen it. It hasn’t even been shot… the script isn’t even complete” on me. First of all. The magnitude in which the second film sucked does not give me any hope for the future. Secondly, Paul Feig, the director of Bridesmaid (only one of the best comedies of last year) was attached but fired because they felt he was lacking the essential Britishness to do this film.

Now they hired the director of the Full Monty instead. Don’t get me wrong, it was a funny film back in the day. But is wasn’t that great. Yes, I know what it did for British Cinema. It just isn’t that great a film. And now this guy who practically hasn’t directed a film since is going to tackle the new Bridget Jones… Yea, forgive me for not holding my breath.

In short, I urge Working Title to not screw it up… Because I will Sigh through the entire movie.. Twilight style. And then I will come back here to this blog (Which by then is probably abandoned by me, but will be reopened…) just to complain about the film.

Don’t say I haven’t warned you!

When both Colin and I discovered this new film will deal with the Spawn of Bridget Jones.


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