Introducing — My New Ape Assistant

The day before Christmas I realized I really could do with an assistant, as a result I had a rather one-sided conversation with myself on Twitter debating how to get one. (You probably already read this on Twitter, but if you haven’t… Why not?!)

Paying for one is, as always (sorry Anna, I love you but I can’t afford you), out of the question. So then what… Kids were certainly not an option either… And then it hit me. What is cuter and smarter and stronger than kids and looks really good dressed up and dragged about town in a Dior Bag.

Yes, a Bonobo Chimpanzee of course.

Now all I have to do is find myself a baby Chimpanzee in a suit and a Dior Bag

And today as I was reading up on some of my favourite Blogs, PZ Meyers introduced me to this guy… And I realized I had found him. We are a match made in heaven.

First of all, this guy carries a backpack. What’s funnier than an Ape carrying a backpack?? I tell you what is: Nothing!! Well, OK.. A monkey wearing a hat, a vest and glasses, I’ll give you that one. But an Ape carrying a backpack comes in at a close second.
Besides, this means he can drag my stuff around. Big plus in my books.

Secondly, not only can he light a fire… He can cook. So after a hard day I can just sit back and have my assistant throw some dinner together.

He won't mind. He loves the fire.

If they can teach him how to make fires and cook and drink from a bottle (something I still have trouble with sometimes) I sure as hell can teach him how to use a computer. They are already letting Orangutans draw on iPads in some zoos. I think this guy would have no problem answering my phone and emailing my work around. In fact, with some extra time I could probably teach him to write these blogs for me and no one would know the difference. (Like I said before: for all you know I am in fact 100 apes banging on a keyboard)

And think how convenient this guy will be come the apocalypse. I can’t make a fire out in the open. I’d burn everything down. And getting wood is such a hassle, isn’t it?!
Enter my Ape-assistant (I’m not yet sure whether to call him ‘Rupert’ or ‘Edgar’…). He’ll do it. He loves it.  (Edgar… His name is Edgar)
Besides, do you have any idea how dangerous free-roaming monkeys can be?? I’ll have this smart killing machine over any rabid dog any day. He can hunt for me, cook for me, protect me and keep me warm at night. I can just enjoy my last days leisurely sitting back, enjoying the well-catered ride.

I’m hiring him -Edgar- today… And we’ll be the stuff of legends.

Me and my pyromaniac monkey.

(Yes, I know it is an Ape… But I like my obscure Beatles references (and my less obscure Robbie Williams references now I think about it… I’d rather not think about it, though))


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