Dear Ladies of Britain,
I am sure you are all a lovely bunch of people. I am not here to be judgmental. I see you on the tube every day and I can’t help but wonder about all the things you are wearing. I’ve never been an extravagant dresser, and your choice in clothing really makes me wonder about… well, mostly why anyone would wear that. And I was really hoping that you can explain to me the following things:
Do you not feel cold?
Darwin originated from and wrote his famous ‘Origin of Species’ here, so I assume you know everything there is to know about selective breeding. And I am beginning to suspect that the British are bred to withstand the coldest of temperatures. I mean, while I go out wearing at least six layers of clothing and 2 coats, preferably still clutching a hot radiator… you all skimp about wearing basically nothing. A skirt and a thin sweater. I even see girls out wearing only a t-shirt (yes, not even pants… I’ll get to that later) . So, therefore my question. Do you not feel cold, or are you just hit excessively hard by the bad economy and are you as a result too poor to afford any other and warmer clothes? Just asking…
In case of the latter, you can borrow my snuggie cape any day of the week
Do you secretly want to be a teddy bear?
Because otherwise I cannot come up with a reason why every single on of you is dressed in furry clothes. I’m proud you at least took the time and effort to put on a coat (see above) to protect yourself from the freezing cold… But why can’t it be an ordinary black coat. What is this trend that at least one piece of your outfit must be made of fake fur… I have no fake fur in my wardrobe. Does this exclude me from any type of social events I should know about? Please let me know…
And while we are on the subject.. What’s with the teddy bear ears on everything.
Do you hate leopards?
This is a really just a follow-up to the fur question… Because when there are no teddy bear ears on your coats, they are often made of leopard print. But it doesn’t stop with coats. I’ve seen shoes, pants, nylons, umbrellas, bags, shirts, skirts -you name it-, with these prints on it. And it makes me think you really hate leopards and would like to shoot them. Since this is illegal, you’ve satisfied yourself with fake leopard skin for the time being? Am I correct here, or is there something else going on? I wondered if there was some sort of cult going on, but I realized that was perhaps a bit too far-fetched.
Did something terrible happen to your skin?
Have you seen the Fantastic 4 (I have, don’t watch it. It’s terrible) franchise? In it is this guy who looks like his face got stuck in the mouth of a volcano just as it exploded. In my mind, that’s how you look without make-up. Why else do you feel the need to smear it all over your face in layers so thick that I imagine you need to chisel it off every night. I know this can’t be true, because that guy from Fantastic Four (His name is The Thing…) was hit by many salvos of radiation in a cosmic ray storm and none of you have ever been in outer space (unless your name is Helen Sharman). So, what happened?
Don’t you know that tights are not pants:
Here’s where I must speak my mind freely, for I am not new to the concept of leggings being worn as pants… But I thought that by now everyone knew they are not acceptable as pants. I mean, someone even dedicated a whole site to this concept. How come you still feel it’s acceptable to wear them as though they are? Stop doing it!
(I’d like to make the exception that if you are a female superhero, please do wear tights as though they are pants… I can understand that any kind of loose fabric can pose a thread (see what I did there) to your safety. It’s why Edna never makes capes.)
See, I wasn’t judgement at all. I am genuinely wondering about these things. Every time I step on the tube I see you and I don’t get it… And I hate it when I don’t get things. Perhaps it’s just cultural diversity at work here. I mean, you are probably wondering why I still wear my pants baggy. (I know the nineties are over. it’s just so comfortable and I can wear panty hoses underneath… so it’s extra warm.) Also, you probably wonder why I don’t really feel the need to do my hair (I work as a writer… Many a times I just pull at it in quiet desperation) or why I wear three layers of coats (I think I’ve already answered that one)
Feel free to ask me all of these questions. I have sensible answers and all of them are: because I like to be warm and comfortable. It’s the best.