I wish I knew any Thor Jokes — This Blog Title Sure as Hell would be better then.

People. I know I said I’d entertain you on occasion, but honestly… do you have to start calling me in the middle of the night begging me to tell you what’s wrong with Thor.

The answer is, of course: Yes!

Why hasn’t anyone called me? I put my number right there on the page a dozen posts ago with strict orders to never call me. Are you all conspiring behind my back to make me believe that reversed psychology doesn’t work?? Because if you are, I’ll totally believe in it even more. Reverse psychologize yourself out of that one.

Ok, never mind that. Let’s return to what’s really important. Thor and its completely illogical plot. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, here’s a plot summary. But it’s probably easier to keep in mind that if you are a guy and rank a 3 or lower on the Kinsey scale, you’re not missing out on anything. In fact, watching the film will most likely lead to some serious self-loathing. And if you are a girl, you’re not missing out on much either… O wait. I forgot to mention that Thor has a body you just want to lick vanilla ice cream off. True Story, and I don’t even like vanilla. So perhaps you should watch it… preferably with your boyfriend if you’re trying to get him to go to the gym.

Alright, let’s get to the point. What hideous crimes did Kenneth Branagh commit by making this picture? What was so incredibly bad that it deserves an entire blog post list those wrongs?  And why in the world did the world, if the movie was so bad, did I watch it twice?

Okay, that last question is pretty easy to answer. Chris Hemsworth’s lickeable Body. The answers to other ones are, now that I look at them, not so incriminating that you should completely disregard the film forever. It’s not the worst summer blockbuster you’ll ever see. But it isn’t the best either. It could have been a lot better if it hadn’t been so goddamn stupid.

A little disclaimer, though I am a well-read person, I’ve never actually read the Thor comics so I am not sure how much of the stupidity they adopted from there. But even if it’s 100 percent the same, all this goes to show is that I never read the Thor comics for good reason seeing as they are bloody stupid as well.

What irritated me most about the film is just that it makes no sense at all. Secondly, there are highly paid, talented actors running around on the screen with no character at all. They might as well have been a lamppost, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. For the most part they just stood there looking pretty. And my third point of irritation; when did people ever fall in love and changed their whole life in one night! Because now I believe that can totally happen, and I will look for it the rest of my life. I’ll probably start dating criminals and crackheads just because of this film. But we’ll get to that later. Let’s kick off this rant with why this movie is completely nonsensical.

I didn’t know Norway was in America.
It’s mostly little things, but if you can’t get those right… Well, then don’t bother at all. For instance, the movie opens by stating that the Norse people (henceforth mortals) were invaded by the frost giants and that the people from Asgard (Thor’s people also known as Asgardians) intervened to save their freezing butts. Well, that’s all nice and well. So how come when Thor is banished he ends up in freaking New Mexico?!

During the first action sequence we can infer that the Bifrost (a magical yellow brick road between worlds) opens up in only one spot on any planet. We know this because our heroes have to run back to the place where they landed to get back to their own world and also because in Asgard there is only one portal. So if it used to be in Norway, why is it in the US now? Other than: ‘because we paid for the movie and we don’t even know where Norway is on the map but it’s probably that blue piece of land there’. Give me one valid reason, because I can’t come up with one.

But alright, let’s say we ignore all the incredible obstacles and impossibilities of an entire Universe turning and what that would do to other connected worlds…  and accept that the earth and Asgard realigned. Please explain this to me. Why the fuck do Thor and his henchmen speak English? This makes no sense on 2 levels. First off, how did the Norse mortals understand them. Have you ever heard Norse?! I have. It sounds nothing like English. It sounds like a crazy person trying to speak out the words of a song in a made up Children’s language. And now I am to believe they had contact with Thor and his family (and we know they did because through their mythology the scientist disregard all Thors claims and do him away as ‘That Incredibly Pretty Man who Happens to be Insane’)

And I’m just not willing to believe they speak a magical language that can be understood by all of us inferior mortals. That’s just a cop-out. But even if the Asgardians are crazy adaptable and can copy any language… why the fuck do they speak with English accents. Not American… Nay! Formal English where you can actually hear them pronounce Capitals. Full on Lord of the Rings-type English. It makes no sense. They might as well have been speaking with a heavy Jamaican accent. Maybe then the movie would have been funny. (Seriously, there’s only one joke in the film. At least, I hope so because I laughed only this one time. [Walking into pet store] Thor: I need a horse. Pet Store Clerk: We don’t have horses. Just dogs, cats Birds. Thor: Then give me one of those large enough to ride.[End Joke] Hilarious.)

These two questions may seem like minor inconveniences, however once you’ve realized it makes no sense for Thor to be where he is and talk the way he does… it will bother you for the rest of the movie. So here’s a prime example of why making sure your story makes sense is probably a good idea.If they’d just explained to me why he was in the US instead of Norway, the whole accent thing wouldn’t have bothered me so much (were it not for the wooden performances of some of the supporting characters).

Either don’t hire Portman; or give her something to do!
Now were on the subject of the supporting characters, let’s stay there for a bit. I already mentioned some people might as well have been lampposts in this film. Natalie Portman is a fine example of this. But first I want to talk about Thor’s merry gang of men with the one woman who to my understanding was only there to make sure we all knew how great Natalie Portman’s character was in comparison.

Thor, who is basically an asshole with a heart of gold for the better half of the movie has -like all the cool kids these days- a posse of warriors. This posse consist of generic cultural stereotypes, like the Japanese samurai, the muscle from Germany and (for some reason) a Dwarf whose not actually small. And, I assume for sexual diversity they have adopted a girl into their gang. But this might also be just so someone can swoon at the sight of Thor. The last addition to their gang is Loki, Thor’s brother (and the bad guy of the movie). Loki, in the Norse mythology, is a devious trickster. But since Mr. Branagh decided that humor wasn’t allowed in the movie, they made him this angsty guy with serious daddy issues.

While Thor and Loki were very well cast, and both Hiddleston and Hemsworth at least hold their own for the most part. For some reason the rest of their troupe is made up with wooden actors who struggle and fail to put any humanity into their lines or characters. I don’t really know any of their names, that’s a testament to how little I cared about these characters. The gate-keeper, who is in like 4 scenes of the film made a lot more of an impression than any of these guys.

And like I said, the girl was mostly put there to swoon at Thor, who ignored her affection… but managed to fall in love with Natalie Portman in a second. So, that Natalie girl (again, don’t know her name. I think it was Jane. I’m just gonna go with it.) must be a really swell girl.

But we never actually get to know why Jane is such a sweetheart. Apparently she is really smart… Because according to the film, she is an astrophysicist. Well, let me tell you two things. No astrophysicist in the world dresses or looks any bit like Natalie Portman. Also, that’s not really a character description for a leading lady.. But that’s all I got. She’s a real swell girl because she is an astrophysicist. And apparently that’s all we need. Because all she has to do is mumble some nonsense about the Rosen-Einstein Bridge and drool all over Thor and his immortal body. Seriously. She is basically there as a cheap plot device. Whenever the audience is at danger of getting lost in an incomprehensible back story, in skips Jane the astrophysicist to explain it all. And because she is there, let’s make sure she gets to kiss the hot lead.

I mean, it’s good that she is smart and that (unlike say, Twilight) Thor doesn’t need to save her from danger (or tripping over her own feet) all the time. That particular bit of misogyny they managed to evade, but seriously Hollywood. Is this the best you can do? Instead of just being pretty, the hero gets a smart and pretty girl to make out with.  Yea, lovely. Now there’s even a higher standard to live up to.

Thank you for further fucking up my expectations of Love.
I have on occasion been informed that my ideas about love do not stroke with the reality of it. I usually ignore this, because so do most of my ideas and once you go down that path… there’s really nothing much left for me.

So I plunged head first into the wonderful relationship unfolding between Jane and Thor on the silver screen. Except of course, that it didn’t really unfold. Thor just pranced around with his insane abs, and Jane sort of glanced and giggled at it. Then they drove around in a van to a secret government site. Somewhere between those two moments, Thor must have decided to throw his whole live upside down for this girl. I don’t get it. First of all, as I already mentioned, she has no personality. Second of all, really?!

When did people ever fall in love so quickly. I mean, at least show it to me. A single moment where there is that spark. That one electrifying look that takes your breath away and squeezes your heart into a tiny ball of throbbing blood. I want to see that freaking moment! It’s not two people on a rooftop talking about science and mythology… unless it is exactly that moment. But for the love of God. Give me that moment. Do not cut away to two people sleeping by the fire on two folding chairs. I get that romance is implied there… But I need to see it, don’t I! Show me that moment, goddamn it.

Because now I believe that every man I meet on the street and have a random conversation with must be the one, and he will change from asshole to wonderful thunder-god in front of my eyes.And that’s just wrong, Kenneth Branagh… That’s just wrong.

Thor is basically a giant dickwad.
And that same transformation, from nothing to star-crossed lovers, happens to Thor’s personality. It’s like he became a good guy overnight. I never saw him change, or realize how much he needed to change. He just changed for no good reason (just so he could get his giant hammer) because Jane was such a pretty girl. I want to freaking see that happen. Show me the moment that Thor realizes: ‘Gee, it seems I’ve been a bit of a prick all this time. Perhaps I should change.’ Do not imply. Show me, dammit. That’s what I’m there for. Why the fuck do all these idiots always cut away from these moments. I want to see it happen.. Because most of the time, Thor is a complete and utter asshole… and then all of a sudden he is not.

Believe me, I’m a former asshole, and it took a lot of hard work to not be so much of an asshole anymore. Don’t make it look like it’s easy. That just cheapens me.

And that in a nutshell is why I disliked Thor. It had this giant logical fallacy smacked right in the middle of it, underdeveloped characters, but mostly, because it made me look like less of a hero.

And that is never OK.

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