I walked into it head first. Like I said, some unpleasantness was to be expected… And that’s what happened today. I was all set to go out and explore London a bit further. Yesterday I didn’t do much except open a bank account and explore the neighborhood a bit. So, today I was heading back to into the city to finally sit down and write.
Except that never happened. I woke up with a slight headache, but I figured that was just because I slept for at least 8 hours… As a recovering insomniac I’m not really used to long nights of sleep. My body sometimes disagrees with it. But I figured if I just ate something and got out in the fresh air, I’d be fine.
Except I wasn’t. I spent most of the day hanging over a toilet regurgitating everything I ate or drank. At some point I became really angry with the universe. I mean, come on… I hardly drink and still I have hangover-like symptoms once in a while. Unfair! It’s probably the food and water here. I’m not used to it. My system isn’t that strong. Traveling almost always makes me sick. I was surprised to find it hadn’t happened this time, but I guess it was just slightly delayed.
So I spend most of my day in bed feeling miserable trying to keep some fluids down. But while I was stuck to my bed I found some time to go through my notebooks of the last year. It is funny because I wrote a lot and some of it was about my decision to move here. I’m gonna share a passage with you.
I’m going to miss Amsterdam. This city had been my home long enough for it to become an extension of who I am. I’ll always be from Amsterdam, but it’s not where I want to be right now. I’m going away and I hope it will be a long time before I return.
I‘m stuck here between trying to be who I think I should be and that horrible fear of who I truly am. I’m not sure when I’ll ever be good enough for myself. It is hard to shake old patterns.
It’s not really a flight, I think -though I do wonder at times- but a logical conclusion to everything that has passed. I don’t know what I expect to find in London, but that might be because I am not looking for anything in particular. I just know it’s time to go.
I’m not exactly sure when I wrote this. Judging by the tone it must have been the end of Winter. I’m never really a Happy Camper at that time and last year was particularly dreadful. It really was time to leave. There was a lot more, but I edited a bit because I don’t want to scare away my good friend Rolf (Wolf) Snorland who thinks my sincerity is scary and weird. ;)
Maybe he is right, but I don’t care. I’m not writing this all down for you. I should make that very clear. I do this for me and my terrible memory. This is my story. You can write your own and if reading this makes you feel uncomfortable… you should stop reading it.
But in case you are still reading, I’m feeling a lot better now. Made myself some soup and drank a can of coke (crazy, but it works miracles). Mentally, I’m alright. Sometimes I wonder what I am doing here, especially those moments when you aren’t feeling great. I miss my dog so much I can’t even look at pictures of her. But these moments mostly come when I am doing nothing and feeling tired or unwell.
Right now, I am OK again. I had a project lined up for January which just fell to pieces (so I most likely won’t be in Holland coming January) but that just invigorated me. I have so many ideas, and now for the first time I have all the time to make them come true. So, that’s what I am going to do these next few weeks…. Starting right now!!!