Bittersweet Nostalgia

It’s a good thing I’m not great with numbers, because if I could do the math in how many days I’m leaving, I’d probably freak out. I try not to to count. I try not to think about it. I know the day will come; I am dreading it and looking forward to it at the same time.

But the truth is that it doesn’t really matter how many days there are left, because in a way I am already leaving. And like the self-pitying Orlando Bloom character in Elizabethtown, I too have become an expert in last looks. That last deep unblinking stare someone gives you to ingrain you in their memories; that’s the look I’ve been giving my life.

I’ve been staring at my friends, my home town, Amsterdam, my family, my work, my hobbies, my Dutch food, my dog and myself… knowing that soon it’ll all be gone. This life I’m living right now will inevitably become nothing more than a memory. Knowing that makes it all seem really lovely all of the sudden. And I sometimes wonder: Am I crazy for leaving?

But then I realize I am looking over my shoulder into what is quickly becoming my past. And yes, they do look beautiful. But things always do when they are about to end. That’s why sundowns are so much more beautiful than sunsets (might also be that I’m not a morning person, but whatever. Let me make a point here!) And you know your brain is playing tricks on you when Lelystad all of the sudden seems like a nice place to live. That is just flat out my brains deceiving me with a fair dose of nostalgia.

Because that is what it is, Nostalgia.

And nothing more…

And on occasion I do let the doubt in, if only to remember how great my life is right now. But while my past may be viewed through rose-coloured glasses on occasion, the future must be seen through sunglasses, so bright is it shining. It’s hard to see what is there, in front of me. I cannot really envision it anymore. It might bring anything, I don’t know what my life is going to look like, what I’ll be doing, or in a weird way, who I am… But I know all of that will become visible again at some point. Either way, I’m going along for the ride and see where I end up.


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